ANSWER MACHINE MESSAGES

      Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company,

I already sent the money. If you are my parents,

please send money. If you are my financial institution,

you didn’t lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don’t worry

I have plenty of money. 
   

    Hi, I’m not home right now,

but my answering machine is.

So, can you talk to it instead? 
   

    Hi, I’m David’s answering machine.

What are you? 
   

    Hello! If you leave a message,

I’ll call you soon.

If you leave a sexy message,

I’ll call you sooner. 
   

    Hi! Tom’s answering machine is broken.

This is his refrigerator.

Please speak very slowly and I’ll

stick your message to myself

with one of these magnets. 
   

    Hello, you are talking to a machine.

I am capable of receiving messages.

My owners do not need double glazing and

their carpets are clean.

They give to charity through their office

and do not need their picture taken.

If you’re still with me,

leave your name and number

and they’ll get back to you. 
   

    This is not an answering machine.

This is a telepathic thought-recording device.

After the tone, think about your name,

think about your number,

and think about your reason for calling.

Then I’ll think about returning your call. 
   

    Hi. I’m probably home.

I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.

Leave me a message and,

if I don’t call you back, it’s you. 
   

    Hi, this is George.

I’m sorry that I can’t answer

the phone right now.

Leave a message and then

wait by your phone until I call back. 
   

    Please leave a message.

However, you have the right to remain silent.

Everything you say will be recorded and used by us. 
   

    My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now

but, if you’ll leave your name and number,

we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished. 
   

    Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya.

We can’t pick up the phone right now

because we’re doing something we really enjoy.

Sonya likes doing it up and down and I

like doing it left to right slowly.

So leave a message and,

when we’re done brushing our teeth,

we’ll get back to you.