WHY I DO NOT BELONG ON FACEBOOK
Added on: 9th Oct 2016
WHEN I BOUGHT MY BLACKBERRY,
I THOUGHT ABOUT THE
30 YEAR BUSINESS I RAN
WITH 1800 EMPLOYEES,
ALL WITHOUT A MOBILE PHONE
THAT PLAYS MUSIC, TAKES VIDEOS,
PICTURES AND COMMUNICATES WITH
FACEBOOK AND TWITTER.
I SIGNED UP UNDER DURESS FOR
TWITTER AND FACEBOOK,
SO MY SEVEN KIDS, THEIR SPOUSES,
MY 13 GRAND KIDS AND 2 GREAT
GRAND KIDS COULD COMMUNICATE
WITH ME IN THE MODERN WAY.
I FIGURED I COULD HANDLE
SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS TWITTER
WITH ONLY 140 CHARACTERS OF SPACE.
MY PHONE WAS BEEPING EVERY
THREE MINUTES WITH THE DETAILS OF
EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE BOWEL
MOVEMENTS OF THE ENTIRE
NEXT GENERATION.
I AM NOT READY TO LIVE LIKE THIS.
I KEEP MY MOBILE PHONE IN
THE GARAGE IN MY GOLF BAG.
THE KIDS BOUGHT ME A GPS FOR
MY LAST BIRTHDAY BECAUSE
THEY SAY I GET LOST EVERY NOW
AND THEN GOING OVER TO THE
GROCERY STORE OR LIBRARY.
I KEEP THAT IN A BOX UNDER MY
TOOL BENCH WITH THE BLUETOOTH PHONE
I AM SUPPOSED TO USE WHEN I DRIVE.
I WORE IT ONCE AND WAS STANDING
IN LINE AT MARKS ANS SPENCER
TALKING TO MY WIFE AND EVERYONE
IN THE NEAREST 50 YARDS WAS
GLARING AT ME.
I HAD TO TAKE MY HEARING AID
OUT TO USE IT, AND I GOT A LITTLE LOUD.
I MEAN, THE GPS LOOKED PRETTY SMART
ON MY DASH BOARD, BUT THE LADY
INSIDE THAT GADGET WAS THE MOST
ANNOYING, RUDEST PERSON I HAD
RUN INTO IN A LONG TIME.
EVERY 10 MINUTES, SHE WOULD
SARCASTICALLY SAY, "RE-CALC-U-LATING."
YOU WOULD THINK THAT SHE COULD
BE NICER. IT WAS LIKE SHE COULD
BARELY TOLERATE ME.
SHE WOULD LET GO WITH A
DEEP SIGH AND THEN TELL ME TO
MAKE A U-TURN AT THE NEXT LIGHT.
THEN, IF I MADE A RIGHT TURN
INSTEAD. WELL, IT WAS NOT
A GOOD RELATIONSHIP...
WHEN I GET REALLY LOST NOW,
I CALL MY WIFE AND TELL HER THE
NAME OF THE CROSS STREETS AND
WHILE SHE IS STARTING TO DEVELOP
THE SAME TONE AS GYPSY,
THE GPS LADY, AT LEAST
SHE LOVES ME.
TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK,
I AM STILL TRYING TO LEARN
HOW TO USE THE CORDLESS PHONES
IN OUR HOUSE.
WE HAVE HAD THEM FOR 4 YEARS,
BUT I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT
HOW I LOSE THREE PHONES
ALL AT ONCE AND HAVE TO RUN
AROUND DIGGING UNDER CHAIR CUSHIONS,
CHECKING BATHROOMS AND
THE DIRTY LAUNDRY BASKETS
WHEN THE PHONE RINGS.
THE WORLD IS JUST GETTING
TOO COMPLEX FOR ME.
THEY EVEN MESS ME UP
EVERY TIME I GO TO THE
GROCERY STORE.
YOU WOULD THINK THEY COULD
SETTLE ON SOMETHING THEMSELVES,
BUT THIS SUDDEN "PAPER OR PLASTIC?"
EVERY TIME I CHECK OUT,
JUST KNOCKS ME FOR A LOOP.
I BOUGHT SOME OF THOSE
CLOTH REUSABLE BAGS TO AVOID
LOOKING CONFUSED,
BUT I NEVER REMEMBER
TO TAKE THEM WITH ME.
NOW I TOSS IT BACK TO THEM.
WHEN THEY ASK ME,
"PAPER OR PLASTIC?"
I JUST SAY,
"DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.
I AM BI-SACKSUAL".
THEN IT'S THEIR TURN TO STARE
AT ME WITH A BLANK LOOK.
I WAS RECENTLY ASKED IF I TWEET.
I ANSWERED, NO, BUT I DO FART A LOT."
P.S. I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE NOT OVER 70.
I POSTED THIS TO ALLOW YOU TO
FORWARD IT TO THOSE WHO ARE.
I FIGURED YOUR SENSE OF
HUMOUR COULD HANDLE IT....
WE SENIOR CITIZENS DON'T
NEED ANY MORE GADGETS.
THE TV REMOTE AND THE
GARAGE DOOR REMOTE
ARE ABOUT ALL WE CAN HANDLE.
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