Bad Dog Needs Rotten Home

THE NEW HOME FOR THE BEST STUFF ON THE WEB.

WHY I DO NOT BELONG ON FACEBOOK

Added on: 9th Oct 2016

 


WHEN I BOUGHT MY BLACKBERRY,

I THOUGHT ABOUT THE

30 YEAR BUSINESS I RAN

WITH 1800 EMPLOYEES,

ALL WITHOUT A MOBILE PHONE

THAT PLAYS MUSIC, TAKES VIDEOS,

PICTURES AND COMMUNICATES WITH

FACEBOOK AND TWITTER.

I SIGNED UP UNDER DURESS FOR

TWITTER AND FACEBOOK,

SO MY SEVEN KIDS, THEIR SPOUSES,

MY 13 GRAND KIDS AND 2 GREAT

GRAND KIDS COULD COMMUNICATE

WITH ME IN THE MODERN WAY.

I FIGURED I COULD HANDLE

SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS TWITTER

WITH ONLY 140 CHARACTERS OF SPACE.

MY PHONE WAS BEEPING EVERY

THREE MINUTES WITH THE DETAILS OF

EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE BOWEL

MOVEMENTS OF THE ENTIRE

NEXT GENERATION.

I AM NOT READY TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

I KEEP MY MOBILE PHONE IN

THE GARAGE IN MY GOLF BAG.

THE KIDS BOUGHT ME A GPS FOR

MY LAST BIRTHDAY BECAUSE

THEY SAY I GET LOST EVERY NOW

AND THEN GOING OVER TO THE

GROCERY STORE OR LIBRARY. 

 

I KEEP THAT IN A BOX UNDER MY

TOOL BENCH WITH THE BLUETOOTH PHONE

I AM SUPPOSED TO USE WHEN I DRIVE.

I WORE IT ONCE AND WAS STANDING

IN LINE AT MARKS ANS SPENCER

TALKING TO MY WIFE AND EVERYONE

IN THE NEAREST 50 YARDS WAS

GLARING AT ME. 

I HAD TO TAKE MY HEARING AID

OUT TO USE IT, AND I GOT A LITTLE LOUD.

I MEAN, THE GPS LOOKED PRETTY SMART

ON MY DASH BOARD, BUT THE LADY

INSIDE THAT GADGET WAS THE MOST

ANNOYING, RUDEST PERSON I HAD

RUN INTO IN A LONG TIME. 

EVERY 10 MINUTES, SHE WOULD

SARCASTICALLY SAY, "RE-CALC-U-LATING." 

YOU WOULD THINK THAT SHE COULD

BE NICER. IT WAS LIKE SHE COULD

BARELY TOLERATE ME.
SHE WOULD LET GO WITH A

DEEP SIGH AND THEN TELL ME TO

MAKE A U-TURN AT THE NEXT LIGHT. 

THEN, IF I MADE A RIGHT TURN

INSTEAD. WELL, IT WAS NOT

A GOOD RELATIONSHIP...

WHEN I GET REALLY LOST NOW,

I CALL MY WIFE AND TELL HER THE

NAME OF THE CROSS STREETS AND

WHILE SHE IS STARTING TO DEVELOP

THE SAME TONE AS GYPSY,

THE GPS LADY, AT LEAST

SHE LOVES ME.

TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK,

I AM STILL TRYING TO LEARN

HOW TO USE THE CORDLESS PHONES

IN OUR HOUSE.

WE HAVE HAD THEM FOR 4 YEARS,

BUT I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT

HOW I LOSE THREE PHONES

ALL AT ONCE AND HAVE TO RUN

AROUND DIGGING UNDER CHAIR CUSHIONS,

CHECKING BATHROOMS AND

THE DIRTY LAUNDRY BASKETS

WHEN THE PHONE RINGS.

THE WORLD IS JUST GETTING

TOO COMPLEX FOR ME.

THEY EVEN MESS ME UP

EVERY TIME I GO TO THE

GROCERY STORE.

YOU WOULD THINK THEY COULD

SETTLE ON SOMETHING THEMSELVES,

BUT THIS SUDDEN "PAPER OR PLASTIC?" 

EVERY TIME I CHECK OUT,

JUST KNOCKS ME FOR A LOOP. 

I BOUGHT SOME OF THOSE

CLOTH REUSABLE BAGS TO AVOID

LOOKING CONFUSED,

BUT I NEVER REMEMBER

TO TAKE THEM WITH ME.

NOW I TOSS IT BACK TO THEM.

WHEN THEY ASK ME,

"PAPER OR PLASTIC?"

I JUST SAY,

"DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

I AM BI-SACKSUAL".

THEN IT'S THEIR TURN TO STARE

AT ME WITH A BLANK LOOK.

I WAS RECENTLY ASKED IF I TWEET.

I ANSWERED, NO, BUT I DO FART A LOT."

P.S. I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE NOT OVER 70. 

I POSTED THIS TO ALLOW YOU TO

FORWARD IT TO THOSE WHO ARE. 

I FIGURED YOUR SENSE OF

HUMOUR COULD HANDLE IT....
WE SENIOR CITIZENS DON'T

NEED ANY MORE GADGETS. 

THE TV REMOTE AND THE

GARAGE DOOR REMOTE

ARE ABOUT ALL WE CAN HANDLE.

 

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