THE AMAZING HEALTH COMPUTER

ONE DAY, JEFFREY COMPLAINED TO HIS FRIEND,

"MY ELBOW REALLY HURTS, I GUESS I SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR."

"DON'T DO THAT! THERE'S A COMPUTER AT THE 

DRUG STORE THAT CAN DIAGNOSE ANYTHING,

UICKER AND CHEAPER THAN A DOCTOR.

SIMPLY PUT IN A SAMPLE OF YOUR URINE AND THE

COMPUTER WILL DIAGNOSE YOUR PROBLEM AND TELL

YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. IT ONLY COSTS $10."

JEFFERY FIGURED HE HAD NOTHING TO LOSE,

SO HE TOOK HIS URINE SAMPLE TO THE DRUG STORE.

FINDING THE COMPUTER, HE POURED IN THE SAMPLE AND

DEPOSITED THE $10.00.

THE COMPUTER STARTED MAKING SOME NOISE AND VARIOUS

LIGHTS STARTED FLASHING. AFTER A BRIEF PAUSE,

OUT POPPED A SMALL SLIP OF PAPER ON WHICH WAS PRINTED:

“YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW.

SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER.

AVOID HEAVY LIFTING.

IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.”

LATE THAT EVENING WHILE THINKING HOW

AMAZING THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY WAS AND HOW IT

WOULD CHANGE MEDICAL SCIENCE FOREVER,

HE BEGAN TO WONDER IF THIS MACHINE COULD BE FOOLED.

HE DECIDED TO GIVE IT A TRY.

HE MIXED TOGETHER SOME TAP WATER,

A STOOL SAMPLE FROM HIS DOG AND

URINE SAMPLES FROM HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER.

TO TOP IT OFF, HE MASTURBATED INTO THE CONCOCTION.

HE WENT BACK TO THE DRUG STORE,

LOCATED THE MACHINE,

POURED IN THE SAMPLE AND DEPOSITED $10.00.

THE COMPUTER AGAIN MADE THE USUAL NOISE AND

PRINTED OUT THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE:

“YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD.
GET A WATER SOFTENER.

YOUR DOG HAS WORMS.
GET HIM VITAMINS.

YOUR DAUGHTER'S USING COCAINE.
PUT HER IN A REHABILITATION CLINIC.

YOUR WIFE'S PREGNANT - TWIN GIRLS.
THEY AREN'T YOURS.

GET A LAWYER.

AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF,

YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.”