DOCTOR DOCTOR

DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I'VE ONLY GOT SIXTY SECONDS TO LIVE!'.

'CAN YOU WAIT A MINUTE ...'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO LIVE,

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?'.

'WELL, I COULD BOIL YOU AN EGG

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, CAN YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR WIND?'.

'YES, HERE'S A KITE!"

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I KEEP THINKING I'M A BOTTLE OF GIN'.

'WHAT YOU NEED IS A LITTLE TONIC.

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I KEEP THINKING I'M A DOG'.

'HOW LONG HAVE YOU FELT LIKE THIS?'.

'EVER SINCE I WAS A PUPPY.'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I'VE GOT A STRAWBERRY ON MY NOSE'.

'YOU NEED SOME CREAM FOR THAT!'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I KEEP THINKING I'M A PAIR OF CURTAINS'.

'DON'T BE SILLY, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I KEEP TALKING ABOUT TOM JONES' MUSIC,

IS THAT STRANGE?',

'IT'S NOT UNUSUAL!'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I'VE GOT A LETTUCE LEAF POKING

OUT OF MY ARSE'.

'THAT LOOKS NASTY'

'THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I'VE GOT A SAUSAGE IN MY EAR AND

A PARSNIP UP MY NOSE',

'I CAN SEE YOU'RE NOT EATING PROPERLY'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I KEEP FEELING LIKE A COWBOY!'

'HOW LONG HAVE YOU FELT LIKE THIS?'

"ABOUT A YEEEERRRR HARRRR'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I THINK MY WIFE'S DEAD'.

'WHY IS THAT?'

'WELL THE SEX IS THE SAME,

BUT THE WASHING IS PILING UP'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I'VE JUST SWALLOWED A SPOON,

WHAT SHOULD I DO?'.

'SIT DOWN AND DON'T STIR'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I KEEP FEELING THAT PEOPLE

ARE IGNORING ME'.

'NEXT PLEASE.'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, MY HANDS WON'T STOP SHAKING.'

'DO YOU DRINK MUCH?'.

'NO, I SPILL MOST OF IT.'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME,

I'M UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.

I KEEP LOSING MY TEMPER WITH PEOPLE'

'TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM'.

'I JUST DID, YOU MORON!'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME,

EVERY NIGHT I GET THE URGE TO GO DOWNSTAIRS AND

STICK MY DICK INTO THE BISCUIT TIN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?'.

'YES ... YOU'RE F**KING CRACKERS".

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME,

THIS INSOMNIA IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

"JUST SLEEP ON THE EDGE OF THE BED,

"REPLIED THE DOCTOR.

"WHAT'LL THAT DO?"

"YOU'LL SOON DROP OFF."

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, EVERY TIME I SNEEZE I HAVE AN ORGASM'.

'ARE YOU TAKING ANYTHING FOR IT?'.

'YES, PEPPER!'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I'M A PROSTITUTE BUT I'M

ALWAYS FEELING TIRED'.

'I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG.

YOU'VE BEEN OFF YOUR FEET FOR TOO LONG.'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, MY IRREGULAR HEARTBEAT IS

STILL BOTHERING ME'.

'NEVER MIND, WE'LL SOON PUT A STOP TO THAT.'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I WANT TO BE CIRCUMCISED'.

'ARE YOU SURE? IT WILL HURT'.

'HOW MUCH?' 'WELL, I WAS CIRCUMCISED WHEN I WAS A BABY,

AND I COULDN'T WALK FOR A YEAR AND A HALF!'

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I'VE GOT THREE VAGINAS!',

'PUT A PLASTER OVER THE TWO OUTSIDE ONES',

'WILL IT HELP?',

"NO, BUT IT WILL STOP YOU BEING F**KED LEFT,

RIGHT AND CENTRE!"

'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I KEEP THINKING I'M GETTING SMALLER!'

'WELL, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO BE A LITTLE PATIENT.'