Smiles to make your saturday

I dialled a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but

Thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the

Beep. If I do not return your call,

You are one of the changes."

( I LOVE THIS ONE! )

My wife and I had words,

But I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time

You're old enough to know your way around,

You're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time

To think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders,

But it keeps getting harder to find one.

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

And Panic is when both are pregnant.

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period [full stop] ?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,

Dad got a heart attack & our gardener ran away.

A women asks man who is travelling with six children,

"Are all these kids yours?"

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these

Are customer complaints".

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident

and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.

Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles

While taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.