FACEBOOKS TOP FIFTY FUNNIEST JOKES (40-30)

40.  I said to this train driver

''I want to go to Paris".

He said ''Eurostar?'' I said,

''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

39.  My phone will ring at 2 in the morning,

and my wife will look at me and go,

''Who's that calling at this time?'

''I don't know! If I knew that we

wouldn't need the bloody phone!'' 

38.   A lorry-load of tortoises crashed

into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

37.   I swear, the other day I bought

a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said

''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES!

That's what I bought them for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it

and a socket set fell out!''

36.  I backed a horse last week at ten to one. 

It came in at quarter past four.   

35.  I went down the local supermarket,

I said, ''I want to make a complaint,

this vinegar's got lumps in it'',

he said,

"Those are pickled onions''.

34.  There was a man who entered a

local paper's pun contest..

He sent in ten different puns,

in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

33.  I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov

(world chess champion) on the table there

was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

32.  Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says

''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here'' 

31.  So I went to the Chinese restaurant and

this duck came up to me with a red rose and says

''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''.

I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

30.   I'm in great mood tonight because the

other day I entered a competition and I won a

years supply of Marmite......... one jar.