HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL. 

1.   PICK UP THE CAT AND CRADLE IT

IN THE CROOK OF YOUR LEFT ARM

AS IF HOLDING A BABY.

POSITION RIGHT FOREFINGER AND

THUMB ON EITHER SIDE OF CAT'S MOUTH

AND GENTLY APPLY PRESSURE TO

CHEEKS WHILE HOLDING PILL

IN RIGHT HAND.

AS CAT OPENS MOUTH

POP PILL INTO MOUTH.

ALLOW CAT TO CLOSE MOUTH

AND SWALLOW. 

2.   RETRIEVE PILL FROM FLOOR

AND CAT FROM BEHIND SOFA.

CRADLE CAT IN LEFT ARM

AND REPEAT PROCESS. 

3.   TAKE NEW PILL FROM FOIL WRAP,

CRADLE CAT IN LEFT ARM,

HOLDING REAR PAWS TIGHTLY

WITH LEFT HAND.

FORCE JAWS OPEN AND PUSH PILL

TO BACK OF MOUTH WITH

RIGHT FOREFINGER.

HOLD MOUTH SHUT

FOR A COUNT OF TEN. 

4.   KNEEL ON FLOOR WITH CAT WEDGED

FIRMLY BETWEEN KNEES,

HOLD FRONT AND REAR PAWS,

IGNORE GROWLS EMITTED BY CAT.

GET SPOUSE TO HOLD CAT'S

HEAD FIRMLY WITH ONE HAND

WHILE FORCING WOODEN

RULER INTO MOUTH.

DROP PILL DOWN RULER AND

RUB CAT'S THROAT VIGOROUSLY. 

5.   RETRIEVE CAT FROM CURTAIN RAIL,

GET ANOTHER PILL FROM FOIL WRAP.

MAKE NOTE TO BUY NEW RULER

AND REPAIR CURTAINS.

CAREFULLY SWEEP SHATTERED

FIGURINES AND VASES FROM HEARTH

AND SET TO ONE SIDE

FOR GLUING LATER. 

6.   WRAP CAT IN A LARGE TOWEL

AND GET SPOUSE TO LIE ON CAT

WITH CAT'S HEAD JUST VISIBLE

FROM BELOW ARMPIT.

PUT PILL IN END OF A DRINKING STRAW,

FORCE CAT'S MOUTH OPEN

WITH PENCIL AND BLOW DOWN STRAW. 

7.   CHECK LABEL TO MAKE SURE PILL

IS NOT HARMFUL TO HUMANS,

DRINK A BEER TO TAKE AWAY THE TASTE.

APPLY BAND-AID TO SPOUSE'S FOREARM

AND REMOVE BLOOD FROM

THE CARPET WITH SOAP AND WATER. 

8.   TIE THE LITTLE ANGEL’S FRONT

PAWS TO REAR PAWS WITH

GARDEN TWINE AND BIND TIGHTLY

TO LEG OF THE DINING TABLE.

FIND HEAVY PRUNING GLOVES

FROM SHED. PUSH PILL INTO MOUTH

FOLLOWED BY LARGE PIECE OF

FILLET STEAK. BE ROUGH ABOUT IT.

HOLD HEAD VERTICAL AND POUR

2 PINTS OF WATER DOWN CAT'S

THROAT TO WASH DOWN PILL. 

9.   CONSUME REMAINDER OF WATER

WITH A SCOTCH.

GET SPOUSE TO DRIVE YOU TO A&E,

SIT QUIETLY WHILE DOCTOR STITCHES

FINGERS AND FOREARM AND

REMOVES PILL FROM YOUR EYE.

CALL FURNITURE SHOP

ON WAY HOME TO ORDER A NEW TABLE. 

10.                  ARRANGE FOR RSPCA TO COLLECT

THE MUTANT CAT FROM HELL

AND RING LOCAL PET SHOP

TO SEE WHETHER THEY

HAVE ANY HAMSTERS.