RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY AMAZON PRODUCT REVIEWS

ELEPHANT CAMOUFLAGE KIT

Reviewed by: Helen

“This stuff is brilliant. I too have made my herd of elephants

invisible to the human eye. I’m sure you know what’s coming next.

I have no flipping clue where my elephants are. Only by

carefully inspecting the butter dish can I tell when they have

been in the fridge. For all I know they have left the country

or are carrying out a series of bank robberies.

Keep ’em peeled, folks. So 5 stars for effectiveness but

only 1 for utility. I can’t for the life of me even remember

why I wanted to paint my pachyderms in the first place.”

CINNAMON TOOTHPICKS

Reviewed by: Mister Quickly

“This product advertises itself as “low-in-fat, high-in-taste.”

This is marvellous because I am on a diet. A good majority of

us lack the digestive enzymes necessary to process wood.

Although, my colleague Gareth Mitchell Headgraves is a rarity.

I admit I become anxious when I leave himself alone in a room

with a good piece of teak. In any case, despite a few

misguided efforts, I cannot digest wood and will reaffirm

that for most of us this product is low in fat.”

GUARDIAN ANGEL

Reviewed by: A. Christian-Richardson

“I have no idea about what this thing is supposed to do

but it’s a wonderful surrogate for my dead hedgehog.

RIP Mr. Prickles.”

LAPAROSCOPIC GASTRIC BYPASS

Reviewed by: Kristen B

“So finally a weight loss product that I can use, and has results!

I have so far used 2 of the kits and the first time was really

messy and I almost died. I passed out after the 2nd incision

to plant the bypass and passed out. I bled out all over and luckily

my yellow lab ran outside after walking in my blood, my

neighbours got concerned and called 911. I was saved after

loosing a large amount of blood.. My dog saved my life!

The second operation I was drunk and was able to perform

with little to no side effects other than a nasty scar and an

infection that took about 1 month to heal, but all is good and I

am skinny now! .. I am so happy I got this kit as who needs

exercise and eating right! I can eat all I want and every 6 months

there is truly a quick fix to weight loss!”

REGULATORY COST RECOVERY FEE

Reviewed by: Nathaniel Granatir

“All I can say is: WOW! I’ve had regulatory cost recovery fees

before, and this one blows them all away! As usual I was a

bit sceptical at first, but after paying the regulatory cost

recovery fee for a couple months I was hooked! I’ll _never_ go

back to my old regulatory cost recovery fees!! Now some of

you may not be convinced, and you may think the price is

a bit high, and it is – but you have to think about the value

you’re getting. I don’t know about you, but I’m willing

to pay a little bit more and get a more feature-rich and

reliable regulatory cost recovery fee. And frankly, I wouldn’t

want my money going to a fee that I wasn’t 100% sure would

recover my regulatory cost. So in conclusion, if you’re

looking for a great, albeit somewhat pricey regulatory cost

recovery fee, you can’t go wrong with this one!”

NICKEL FROM 2003

Reviewed by: Joshua D. Nathan

“A nickel for $4.55 seems a bit excessive, don’t you think?

Pretty sure I can get this for something like 9100% less elsewhere.

But I want to emphasize that this is a great product.

I own several nickels myself, and find that they

constantly come in handy.”

THREE WOLF MOON

Reviewed by: B. Govern

“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet

and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when

the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the

shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my

trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately

approached by women. The women knew from the wolves

on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who

knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time

(if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me

wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give

them money for something they called mehth. I told them

no, because they didn’t have enough teeth and frankly a

man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing

that comes to him. I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my

courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle

so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube

socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me.

I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in

sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she

liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at

her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew and

I drove my scooter, with her shuffling alongside out the door

and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.”

JL421 BADONKADONK LAND CRUISER/TANK

Reviewed by: Thomas Dunham

“I’ll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting.

Many times in the past I’ve purchased overpriced, so-called

“battle tanks”, then driven them into battle only to be

wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some

insurgents home-made morter. But not this baby, no way.

The only real negative with this tank is that it shows up on

radar a little more than I like (although there is a

polyresin graphite stealth model available). Also,

the included spare isn’t full size. Overall, a great tank.”