STOCK MARKET REPORT

WE ARE INTERRUPTING OUR

REGULARLY SCHEDULED JOKES

FOR TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT: 

HELIUM WAS UP,

FEATHERS WERE DOWN.

PAPER WAS STATIONARY. 

FLUORESCENT TUBING WAS

DIMMED IN LIGHT TRADING.

KNIVES WERE UP SHARPLY.

PENCILS LOST A FEW POINTS. 

HIKING EQUIPMENT WAS TRAILING.

ELEVATORS ROSE,

WHILE ESCALATORS CONTINUED

THEIR SLOW DECLINE.

WEIGHTS WERE UP IN HEAVY TRADING. 

MINING EQUIPMENT HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

DIAPERS REMAINED UNCHANGED. 

THE MARKET FOR RAISINS DRIED UP.

BALLOON PRICES WERE INFLATED.

AND TOILET PAPER TOUCHED

A NEW BOTTOM.